All this talk about the apocalypse (and it must be a cozy apocalypse, otherwise it’s not worth talking about) has got me thinking about knitting.

I think we need an Apocalypse Knitting certification course. Or maybe just a merit badge. Come the apocalypse, Apocalypse-Certified Knitters would… oh, I don’t know, get their first pick of the turnips fleeces.

The following are a list of skills I believe an Apocalypse-Certified knitter should possess:

1. Mending

Practice weaving over holes, re-stitching seams, and creating seamless patches.

2. Pattern-Making

An Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to improvise a pattern for the six most common garments (socks, sweater, hat, mittens, gloves, and scarf).

Naturally, we all have extensive collections of knitting pattern books. However, one can’t count on making it through the apocalypse with one’s library intact. Your house might catch on fire, you might be forced to flee the area on foot, or – worst of all – the apocalypse might strike when you’re at the office.

The ability to take measurements and draft up a basic pattern will be a crucial skill. It will make the difference between “valued member of the community” and “that crazy guy who keeps knitting those damned garter stitch scarves, and SWEET MERCY aren’t we’re tired of those, we all have like six of them already, why won’t he stop?”

3. Sheep to Yarn

Let’s face it, we’re pretty dependent on yarn stores today. Sure there are a lot of spinners in the world, but their numbers are dwarfed by the knitters. It’s going to be a spinner’s market. The Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to shear a sheep, prepare the fleece, and spin it into something resembling yarn.

The sheep may be shorn clumsily, the fleece may be prepared poorly, and the yarn may be spun in an amateurish fashion. That’s okay. You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to be able to perform the basics. After the apocalypse, you’ll have plenty of time to improve your skills. PLENTY.

4. Needle Creation

Using a few basic non-power tools, the Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to create a set of wooden knitting needles (including small caliber DPNs) in any given diameter and length. As with item #3, they don’t have to be good, they just have to be good enough.

5. Recycling

The Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to identify the characteristics of a sweater (or other knit garment) which can usefully be ripped back into yarn. Proper skeining, washing, and hanging technique is crucial.

6. Sock Knitting

There are only so many hats and sweaters that your community is going to need. However, post-apocalyptic dwellers will have a near-infinite need for socks. What with all the tramping through the ruins and walking the beeves* out to pasture and all.

The Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to improvise and knit at least one form of sock from memory, either top-down, toe-up, or that wacky Cat Bordhi shit. Knitter’s choice.

7. I Can’t Think of a Seventh, But I Like The Number Seven

Fill in the blank, my faithful cadre of survivalist knitters!

* You’re right. I just wanted an excuse to say “beeves.”

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