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Thursday night was actually the culmination of WTF Week here in Erikaland. (You will recall that WTF Week started off with a royal screwing by The Firewood Guy, who sold me a giant truckload of wet logs.)
First, let me set the stage. When I arrived at work on Thursday, I learned that my assignment for the day was to take parts of a giant XML file, parse it with PHP, create a MySQL database, and drop the selected XML data into the database. Okay, you have like six hours: go!
Let me just say that I ****ing hate XML. I shun XML like those cheap “oatmeal” cookies you can buy for $1 a pack at Bartell’s. XML is for people who can’t properly format a data structure. There, I said it. Feel free to hate me now.
Workworkworkworkwork – RUN! Run home! Because it’s late, and you’re tired, and you have to set a fire because it’s cold and also go to bed NOW NOW NOW SOLDIER!
The commute home – which usually takes a bit less than two hours – only took one hour 25 minutes. I never did more than 5MPH over the speed limit. Seriously, WTF? Crazy! But who’s arguing, right?
Okay, so I walk into my cabin. The first thing I notice is that the windows are fogged up. All of them. All the way to the top of the glass. WTF? Even if I take an extra-long shower and forget to turn on the bathroom fan, this doesn’t happen. I touched the windows and found out that they were fogged on the inside. This gives valuable information regarding the nature of the condensation – for someone who isn’t exhausted from storming the shores of XML full-tilt all day on five hours of sleep.
Utterly befuddled, I went into the bathroom and turned on the fan. I mean, what else can I do? It’s like 50 degrees outside, I can’t open a window. It would let out the eight degrees more heat inside than outside.
Okay, I need a drink of water. I walk into the kitchen area and find that my kitchen is… wet. Wet? The small rug on the kitchen area floor is soaking wet, the floor is only moderately wet, and there is no visible source of water.
WTF?
I spend a good 15 minutes peering under the sink (note: this is apparently where spiders go to die) but fail to uncover a single clue. Nothing else is wet but the rug, and the floor to a lesser extent. So this must have happened a while ago. How long ago? Did I leave the kitchen sink running when I left in the morning? Like hell I did. I think? Wait? No. No, I did not leave the kitchen sink running.
WTF?
I turn on the hot water, and then the cold water. Both behave as expected. Water does not suddenly pour from the sky. The ceiling is not wet. I have absolutely no idea what happened. Where are those CSI guys when you need them?
Okay, okay, whatever, I need to get the fire started. I crumple up newspaper, set two small sticks of kindling atop, and light the newspaper with a match. Smoke! It pours out of the stove! Out of the door! OMG the fire alarm will go off and I will be deaf! I hate the fire alarm! Is the flue open? Yes, the flue is open. OMG the chimney must be blocked! OMG SMOKE EVERYWHERE!
A quick assessment shows that this is not enough fire to warrant emptying the 2 liter soda bottle full of water, which I keep nearby for such an occasion. Instead, I use the squirty bottle to frantically mist the burning newspaper into submission. (Fire safety is important! I debate whether or not I should also have a bucket of sand. But since I have neither a bucket, nor sand, I guess it’s academic.)
Quick, run up the ladder, open the window, air it out before the smoke detector goes off. The smoke detector isn’t going off. Shouldn’t the smoke detector go off? Since there is, in fact, smoke? I clamber onto the bed and poke the TEST button, expecting the smoke detector to make a cheerful “Peep!” to indicate that it’s working. Instead, IT GOES OFF! IT’S GOING OFF! OMG I CAN’T EVEN THINK WITH THE NOISE! MAKE IT STOP! PUSH THE BUTTON! NO THE OTHER BUTTON! DON’T DROP IT, IT’S BRAND NEW! GET THE BATTERY OUT! GET THE – oh, okay, thank god.
The window, open the window. I unlatch the window and turn the crank and SOMETHING FALLS OFF THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE! What is it? Is it something that someone used to poke at my chimney? Did my place catch on fire while I was gone? Did someone come out to fix the chimney, and instead make it worse, and not leave me a note?
WTF?
Wait – what’s that crackling noise? FIRE! The firewood! It’s on fire! But I misted it! And also, I can’t start a fire to save my life! Holy crap, of all the luck, why would it start burning now? Quick, down the ladder! Get the bottle of water! Open the – wait, there’s no smoke. I peer inside the stove. The tinder has caught fire, but the smoke is going handily up the flue.
WTF?
Okay, I guess I must have set the newspaper too far from the flue, and it wasn’t making enough heat to carry the smoke upwards. Whatever! Lesson learned.
But why is the kitchen wet?
And what fell off my window?
I go outside in my wet sock feet with a flashlight, and peer under the house. I see no evidence of… I don’t know, anything really wet-looking. What the hell happened?
On the porch, I find a windshield wiper.
WTF?
I turn this object back and forth for several minutes before deciding that it can’t possibly be a windshield wiper. It must be part of the window trim. Which fell off? Has Porchmonster been clawing at the window while I’m away?
The kitchen remained dry for the rest of the night, and was even drier in the morning. I checked it several times before I left, both before and after taking a shower. (Could taking a shower make the kitchen wet? Probably not, but I wasn’t going to take any chances.) Later in the day, I phoned the property owner and left a long, rambling, bizarre message about how my kitchen was wet, and maybe there had been a water pressure issue (the only thing I could think of – the pipes backed up? But only in the kitchen? Maybe?) and how she might want to check in on it later today before I get home, to make sure there isn’t another Mystery Flood.
Seriously, WTF?
What with all the excitement, I only worked one round of the RPM sock before going to bed. Not much point in a progress picture so far…
W
T
F
?
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Wow! What an exciting way to have all thoughts of XML chased from your mind!
Comment by MrsFife —
September 23, 2006 @ 12:59 am
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holy crap. do you have a carbon monoxide detector? I’m a little worried about you. The RPM sock looks great though (much better than the ones in Knitty IMHO).
Comment by Jess —
September 23, 2006 @ 6:01 am
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Oh. My. God.
Really, WTF?!?
I hope WTF Week will be coming to an end soon for you…
Comment by Josiane —
September 23, 2006 @ 8:33 am
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So, I guess the highlight of the day was the shorter commute home? I’m sorry you had such a WTF day. it didn’t rain at home while you were at work and drip in from the window, did it? My only suggestion. I hope you soon find that source of the wetness so it doesn’t happen again.
Comment by Kathleen —
September 23, 2006 @ 9:51 am
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DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS!!!!
Comment by Patti —
September 23, 2006 @ 12:12 pm
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Wow. Don’t know what else to say. Wow. With that much bizarro-world in one day you’re bound to be free and clear for at least a month.
Comment by Sarah —
September 23, 2006 @ 11:26 pm
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Wow, your WTF day tops any of my WTF days. I’m sure there’s still some lingering confusion! That was some highly entertaining reading
Comment by Brit —
September 24, 2006 @ 3:07 pm
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Whoa. I can’t come up with any ideas, either!
Comment by Chris —
September 25, 2006 @ 6:56 am
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I, for one, will love you forever for saying the XML thing out loud (as it were). So there.
Comment by HollyO —
September 25, 2006 @ 9:46 pm
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Jess, I do indeed have a brand new carbon monoxide detector, posted upstairs next to the bed. I’m thinking about getting one for downstairs, as well. I do not want to die in my sleep!
Comment by Erika —
September 26, 2006 @ 7:42 am
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WHOA!!! This may make you snigger, I am perhaps befuddled. I thought wtf had something to do w/ you being a world wrestling fan and I was thinking, well it does take all types… It was about when the windshield wiper fell off the building that in my mind I thought wtf and realized what wtf stands for! We’ve had awful stove/smoke scares. Like the time all 3 hardwired smoke detectors went off in the middle of the night, and I had the then 4 year old kid in my arms and at the front door before I truly woke up and realized, wtf, there’s no smoke! Vent on furnace was stuck and sooty air hit cellar detector. The amazing thing, the kid never woke up! What w/that blasting going off on the 2nd floor (we had to walk under it) and the 1st (we walked right next to it)… Yeah, don’t keep us in suspense, what caused all the moisture???
Comment by Lisa —
September 26, 2006 @ 2:38 pm
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That cracked me up that one dear reader thought that WTF was a wrestling reference, Ha! That proves I’m not the only twit in the USA! Yeah, I feel soooo validated. Hey You! The line forms over here behind me!
Comment by Wendt —
September 28, 2006 @ 9:18 am
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So last week a smoke detector in my house was beeping and I ran from room to room, then cellar and attic, trying to figure out which smoke alarm was making the noise, and I couldn’t reach it when I found it–the one near my room– because the ceiling is so tall and yet I am so short, even on a chair, so I got the broom and whacked the thing until it fell down still beeping mirthlessly and then I had to pry it open with a screwdriver and even then couldn’t yank out the batteries, so I had to rip the wiring out of the thing and then threw it all in the wastebasket. WTF here too.
Comment by Moby —
October 8, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
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