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All this talk about the apocalypse (and it must be a cozy apocalypse, otherwise it’s not worth talking about) has got me thinking about knitting.
I think we need an Apocalypse Knitting certification course. Or maybe just a merit badge. Come the apocalypse, Apocalypse-Certified Knitters would… oh, I don’t know, get their first pick of the turnips fleeces.
The following are a list of skills I believe an Apocalypse-Certified knitter should possess:
1. Mending
Practice weaving over holes, re-stitching seams, and creating seamless patches.
2. Pattern-Making
An Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to improvise a pattern for the six most common garments (socks, sweater, hat, mittens, gloves, and scarf).
Naturally, we all have extensive collections of knitting pattern books. However, one can’t count on making it through the apocalypse with one’s library intact. Your house might catch on fire, you might be forced to flee the area on foot, or – worst of all – the apocalypse might strike when you’re at the office.
The ability to take measurements and draft up a basic pattern will be a crucial skill. It will make the difference between “valued member of the community” and “that crazy guy who keeps knitting those damned garter stitch scarves, and SWEET MERCY aren’t we’re tired of those, we all have like six of them already, why won’t he stop?”
3. Sheep to Yarn
Let’s face it, we’re pretty dependent on yarn stores today. Sure there are a lot of spinners in the world, but their numbers are dwarfed by the knitters. It’s going to be a spinner’s market. The Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to shear a sheep, prepare the fleece, and spin it into something resembling yarn.
The sheep may be shorn clumsily, the fleece may be prepared poorly, and the yarn may be spun in an amateurish fashion. That’s okay. You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to be able to perform the basics. After the apocalypse, you’ll have plenty of time to improve your skills. PLENTY.
4. Needle Creation
Using a few basic non-power tools, the Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to create a set of wooden knitting needles (including small caliber DPNs) in any given diameter and length. As with item #3, they don’t have to be good, they just have to be good enough.
5. Recycling
The Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to identify the characteristics of a sweater (or other knit garment) which can usefully be ripped back into yarn. Proper skeining, washing, and hanging technique is crucial.
6. Sock Knitting
There are only so many hats and sweaters that your community is going to need. However, post-apocalyptic dwellers will have a near-infinite need for socks. What with all the tramping through the ruins and walking the beeves* out to pasture and all.
The Apocalypse-Certified Knitter should be able to improvise and knit at least one form of sock from memory, either top-down, toe-up, or that wacky Cat Bordhi shit. Knitter’s choice.
7. I Can’t Think of a Seventh, But I Like The Number Seven
Fill in the blank, my faithful cadre of survivalist knitters!
* You’re right. I just wanted an excuse to say “beeves.”
Tags: after the apocalypse I heard there will be pie, Apocalypse Knitting Certification Course, survival knitting
Comments (22)
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P.S. I only know how to do three of those items. I guess I’d better make with the studying, eh?
Comment by Erika —
July 15, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
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Will there be badges? Or, stickers for our laptops?
(still fuming)
Comment by Patti —
July 15, 2008 @ 9:46 pm
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7. How to properly care for a knit woolen item, including re-lanolining for soakers and water resistant items, how to properly full, without mod cons, and how to prevent shrinking of items.
Comment by PICAdrienne —
July 16, 2008 @ 12:51 am
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What about being able to use natural dyestuffs? Natural colored wool is nice but it might get a bit tiresome.
And also – maybe learning to use dyestuffs so that you can make garments that allow you to blend in with the background. (So: brown or green for summer, white for winter in areas that get snow. Kind of like the Arctic hare).
And if the apocalypse comes while I’m at my office? Hells yes I am going to try to get home. There’s no way I’d want to try to live out my last days on earth in this 8 x 8 cell that they call an office. I’d go mad.
Comment by fillyjonk —
July 16, 2008 @ 5:17 am
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Does “Sheep to yarn” cover animal care and breeding? Without the source animals we’ll be doing a lot of recycling. This could be sheep, alpaca, goat, whatever. In fact, I could see specializing in one type and trading the fiber. I suggest “Fiber Animal Husbandry” for #7.
“Knowing and using alternative sources” could be #8, since one can knit in plant-based fibers such as cotton or insect-based ones like silk. It may be easier in a state of destitution to care for plants and insects (lower on the food chain) than large animals. (On the other hand, we can eat sheep but not cotton….)
I’d definitely want a bumper sticker or something to show I’d made this skill set. Feels like a Girl Scout badge. Maybe it *should* be a Girl Scout badge…I know someone to whom I could suggest this.
Comment by Jennifer —
July 16, 2008 @ 8:54 am
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The apocalypse knitter must be able to fashion an effective zombie defense using only the tools of his/her trade (very pointy needles).
I’ve been telling the SO for a long time now that I need so many books and so much yarn in order to barricade the house when the zombies come.
Whaddyamean, the apocalypse may not involve zombies? If there aren’t zombies, I refuse to take part in your boring apocalypse.
Comment by Sarah —
July 16, 2008 @ 9:02 am
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Sarah:
Sing it! “All we wanna do is eat your skeins…
We’re not unreasonable, I mean no-one’s gonna eat your dyes.”
NOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!
Comment by Jennifer —
July 16, 2008 @ 9:08 am
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(Er, hopefully I didn’t just make a bad Jonathan Coulton reference that seems obvious to me but no-one else besides Erika.)
Comment by Jennifer —
July 16, 2008 @ 9:18 am
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Uh-oh, I’m in trouble. Best learn how to mend and the sheep-to-garment stuff or I’m gonna be history.
Comment by kmkat —
July 16, 2008 @ 12:03 pm
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and #9
Don’t forget your towel
Comment by KellyS —
July 16, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
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Yes, washing of wool items without ruining/shrinking of same will be a necessary skill especially when we are living huddled together communally in the remaining buildings.
Comment by Northmoon —
July 16, 2008 @ 5:32 pm
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Thinking outside the box, someone will need to know how to make cookies. (Please, knitting without comfort food, even in an Apocalypse? I don’t think so.)
Comment by Ryan —
July 16, 2008 @ 9:45 pm
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Northmoon: If we’re huddling together for any length of time, washing may become of very high importance. With resources being scarce, keeping what goods we have in excellent shape will also be important… not as much as food, water, and shelter, but still up there. Dirty clothes degrade faster. (Did I misread sarcasm into your statement? If so, I’m sorry.)
Comment by Jennifer —
July 17, 2008 @ 9:08 am
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I tend to agree with Jennifer (comment#5) Someone who can raise, sheep, goats, alpaca and or buffalo will definitely be needed (not just for fiber to spin into yarn, but also for food, leather and milk for surviving humans) Also, someone with carpentry skills will be essential, especially if they know how to improvise and make the best use of the resources available after the Apocalypse since humans and animals alike will need shelter.
Comment by Teresa —
July 17, 2008 @ 10:46 am
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Wow! This apocalypse thing is going to be a lot of work. And I be there are things we haven’t got covered.
Comment by LisaK —
July 17, 2008 @ 2:48 pm
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I just don’t know what we’re going to do with all the unskilled city people, though. It worries me. I’ve been thinking of starting a skills brain-trust kind of thing, to do outreach, you know?
Comment by Patti —
July 17, 2008 @ 4:19 pm
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Jennifer: I was not trying to be sarcastic (at least not more than the whole premise of appocalyptic knitting!) I like to have clean fresh clothes to wear and wool can be a tricky thing to wash. You have to know what you are doing or you will end up with a bunch of tiny felted items!
You are also correct that clean fibres wear better, last longer and get nice and soft as well.
Comment by Northmoon —
July 17, 2008 @ 4:34 pm
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Northmoon: Gotta love the print medium and its lack of inflection! Again, sorry to jump.
I do like the idea of tiny felted items, although it helps if the felting is intentional.
Comment by Jennifer —
July 18, 2008 @ 9:04 am
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Maybe we could teach all the unskilled city people to crochet!
(okay, probably not)
Comment by LisaK —
July 18, 2008 @ 12:23 pm
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What do you mean, my library might not survive the apocalypse? Nooooo.
Beeves. It’s what’s for dinner? Not if I’m making dinner. Chicken or fish. No lambs or darling cows.
Comment by Carrie K —
July 18, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
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Jennifer – no offense taken. And I agree that tiny felted items are good if it’s intentional!
Comment by Northmoon —
July 19, 2008 @ 9:42 am
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Number 7 should be the ability to teach others how to knit, because nobody wants to have to knit socks for their entire tribe all by themselves.
Comment by Renee Axtell —
July 23, 2008 @ 8:52 am
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